That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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