Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
