They should really pass out barf bags in church
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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