I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Randomize
