Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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