don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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