There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
