I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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