i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
