Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's official drugs can't kill me
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
