Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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