Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
