Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
