What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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