You're my little dorito
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i've created a new STD.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
