I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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