shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
