You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
