I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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