He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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