Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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