I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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