one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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