Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
