At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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