I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
