Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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