glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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