I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
