well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
