Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
