did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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