So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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