I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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