I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
