An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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