you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
