Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
