Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
