I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
