What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I have post one night stand depression
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