my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
