Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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