I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
