next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I will pee on everything he values.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
