We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
