Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
