I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
