is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
