kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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